I don't have anybody to talk about these stuff, so that's the solution I came up with.
I just wanna throw my thoughts somewhere, I'm used to not having any response to what I say.
It's not really personal anyway.
If you want, you can click here to go back to the main page.
Fuck it, I feel like ranting right now.
At this point I'm actually tired of not having people to talk. It's humiliating. School sucks all the energy from
me, both because it shoves so many information down my throat and also because I have to deal with loneliness
there. Everyone has friends, everyone has a partner, and I just pass by, walking around the school in every break
like a fucking retard. No one notices me, at least. They're all focused on their friends and laughing.
But you know what pisses me off more? A student from my classroom just suddenly became popular, even though he
had joined that school the same year I did and used to be a lot more quiet in class. What the fuck does this guy
have that I don't have? Am I really that annoying? I guess so.
But I guess even if people were interested in me they quickly wouldn't anymore. Because what kind of fucking
17-year-old likes chiptune? What kind of 17-year-old likes Linux? Thanks autism, you made my life so much harder.
I really just wanted to know someone in real life that's somewhat interested on me. I'm tired of only knowing
people that live in the other side of this fucking planet. I'm tired of being awkward as shit when trying to talk
with anyone at school because I really had to have this kind of interests. God fucking damn it.
Really, I'm jealous as hell of people that are able to get along so damn easily. Like a girl from my classroom.
She's friends with literally everyone there. Even with people outside the classroom, even with people outside the
school. And she's pretty as fuck, too. My autistic ahh could absolutely never.
I know there are plenty of people in this world, but it feels the opposite. Everywhere I go, I see a couple.
I swear I'm not exaggerating. No one is alone, only I am. I fucking hate this. I always have to be reminded that
I'm alone. Is life really pushing me towards isolation or am I really just unlucky as hell?
All in all, I'm nearly hopeless. I never thought I'd hate school so damn much. My motivation to study went to the
shadow realm. I just want this to end. Or that someone who matches exactly what I want magically appears, but
that's impossible. I'm supposed to have a lot of friends at this age, but instead I'm more alone than ever. I
really don't wanna become an addict, but I can't know I really won't for sure.
Therapy also won't work, by the way. I've tried that innumerous times and it only turned out to be a waste of
time and money. Yeah, I had to figure stuff out all by myself back when I was struggling. Even when I struggle
there's no one to help. And I don't really know if that will be the case for my current situation.
So yeah, the year has barely started and I'm already in shambles. It all went downhill right after I joined that
stupid school, really. It's my last year on it, but it feels so fucking long. At least I have winter break in
2 months, but I still feel like a month won't be enough. Call me spoiled or whatever, I'm tired as fuck
nonetheless.
As I type this, I'm dying. No, not in the way you might be thinking right now. Let me explain.
Every second, some cells in our body die, and another ones come to replace them. That's how aging works.
Because the cells won't be the same. They got older, and that builds up to our entire body, making it older
as well.
It might seem like a slow process to some, while others might find it quite fast. I find it not too slow, because
imagine comparing that with other animals that have shorter life expectancies. Or ones with higher expectancies.
Well, all of them combined would still not match with how "fast" our entire planet changes. It took 4.3 billion
years to get to where we are.
Humans, have evolved so god damn fast the world couldn't keep up with them. A big portion of people keep
exploiting the planet (and even beyond) while a small portion of them help preserve what we have left.
Crazy, right?
What's even crazier is to think that humans going back to their original state is a utopia by now.
I was thinking about that while in P.E. class. I didn't participate and just stared at the streets while standing
by the view and, of course, thought about that. We humans have evolved so much that we're now even doing it
backwards. We're heavily reliant on technology and on how easily you find stuff on cities, and now some parts of
our body might even disappear because of that — the appendix. Because we don't eat stuff like tree barks anymore,
our bodies don't have to digest any hard plant cell. Technology already did it for us, in a way.
Then, my biology teacher also mentioned our little toe could disappear as well. Because we wear shoes now. We
don't need a toe to help us stand.
And now, another interesting fact is how testosterone levels have decreased over time. Because everyone is pretty
sedentary nowadays, myself included. Plus, the stuff we eat also affects our T levels. Highly processed foods do
that, which is one of the reasons why I HATE THEM!
So, have humans actually evolved?
Well, our brains have evolved quite a lot, that's for sure. But, it seems that this came with a tradeoff···
I was thinking of something I learned at school a while ago.
There was this Acient Greece guy named Plato, who apparently said that humans are "superior" beings because
they are rational, unlike other animals.
And then, this led to the rapid development of civilizations. It all started with the Greeks, then the Romans,
then the Byzantines... all the way to nowadays.
Plato then didn't even think of both humans and the world becoming what they are today. We're sort of selfish
beings. We evolved so fast that the planet couldn't follow, and now we have to deal with global warming and the
extinction of many species of animals.
Now, I wonder what would have happened if Plato didn't say that. Or if we didn't even think of a society back
then.
Imagine if 300k years later, we still lived like cavemen or indigenous people. That would be crazy.
I honestly find that kind of life better, but well, I don't feel like going back to those times now.
I just find it better because humans are part of nature. But we are destroying all of it! I'm pretty sure we
wouldn't be caring about all the current world issues if we were still primitive beings. We would be just like
any other kind of animal. Searching for food, killing other animals, finding shelter, and reproducing. Well, it
maybe all started way back when we dominated the fire. And now we've dominated the world. This is going to have
a huge backlash.
Well, maybe that backlash is already happening, but at a very slow rate. It's so slow that most people don't even
care about. Scientists are making so much effort to warn us about all the bad stuff happening thanks to our
current society, but it never is enough. Well, at least we have some people that do care about the planet and are
making some effort to make it more liveable. Too bad it's still not enough. Maybe the consequences are inevitable
at this point.
Oh yeah, and yesterday was my birthday. Time goes fast, happy birthday to me.
And speaking of time, I just realized I'm writing on this website every week. That's interesting.
I just made a silly song using my voice! Not anything amazing, but it's fun to come up with stuff like that
sometimes :)
I made this tune using a software called FastTracker II clone. It's a port of a song-making software with the
same name, the original one was made for DOS computers, which are really old machines and incompatible with
nowadays' PCs, but there's this guy nicknamed 8bitbubsy who ported all of the code to run on modern day
computers. He's a nice guy, check his website here! You can also download the
latest version of the FastTracker II clone on it.
Although it sounds like it, this wasn't actually a sponsored thing. I just like that stuff and wanted to
share it.
Well, now back to what this was supposed to be...
Memories. As someone who doesn't have a life, I find it wild how people get so emotional when they remember a
moment of their lives. Somewhere they went to, a moment they had with their friends, family or pets, and more.
Everything we do is pointed to an emotion in our brains, actually. We're complex beings, and emotions play a big
role in how we behave. It's the reason why being perfect is impossible. Something considered "perfect" doesn't
have any emotions. It's just an object, meant to have an ideal form. It's dull. It's boring. It's... emotionless.
Just look at how a computer opens an image file like anything else, but you have something attached to that file.
It's a memory. You carry a specific feeling to that memory. And the computer is just helping you get that
feeling. Crazy, right?
Well, even crazier is how people get so attached to their past events. I have no idea how that works, but it's
kinda interesting to see it in action a bit.
The day I started making this website, and now I'm actually writing something more meaningful here.
It's weird how it actually feels like 2 separate days, as I started making it at midgnight, went to sleep,
and now I'm writing another part of it. Time is practically a simple thing, but feelingly, it's really complex.
It's impossible to change how long a second lasts, but it's totally possible to change how fast one second feels.
You grow up estabilishing a routine, and then time feels really fast, when it's actually going in its same
exact pace. I think one of the reasons why some adults wish going back to their childhood is because of that.
As a kid, you experience a lot of stuff, and it mostly feels that time hasn't passed during that time.
But then you become an adult, and it feels like last month was the end of your childhood.
Our sense of time really is weird. The circadian rhythm is really the only part of our bodies that can
actually follow the time (if taken care of properly).
You see, the amount of experiences you have in a day is inversely proportional to how slow time feels at the
moment. But then, they get directly proportional when your brain plays the record of the moment.
I'm currently on my winter vacations, and I'm always trying to find something meaningful to do. Time felt
quite slow at the first week, but now BOOM! It's going fast again.
It kinda makes me a bit nervous because I start to feel that I'm wasting my time. Well, vacations were
meant to be relaxing moments, but I end up stressing myself because I dunno of any way to actually just
relax. Oh well.
But hey, at least that way I get used to big chunks of information being thrown at me! :)
Well, that could be a useful skill to nowadays' world. Remember how memes used to last MUCH longer?
After the pandemic, the internet became such a hectic world. Politics everywhere. AI. All of that stuff. How can
one be happy on such a place? How low can people really get?
I feel bad for all the sane people remaining that have to experience all of that stuff. I've never experienced
the early Web but I really wanted to.
The page design was so simple, yet people had more creativity for the content itself. It all became history now.
History that... might be forgotten. Technology is evolving at the cost of people's emotions. It's also evolving at
the cost of killing the nature. We're sucking Earth's life to give it to technology. What have we became??
Oh well #2.